Into My Mind: Living with ADD

ADD is a type of curse that I never wanted to admit I had. When I was in grade school, I was plucked out from my seat and taken to a special education learning center because I had trouble focusing in class, which affected my performance in school.  To be frank, I remember vividly what my experience was in grade school and I remember straining in pain to stay focused in class. It literally caused me pain in my stomach to focus on classwork. I very much preferred to address the content buzzing around in my head than to be focusing on a topic that I had zero interest in. As I grew up, I learned that that was only the tip of the ADD iceberg.

ADD is very complex and contradictory, meaning that having difficulty focusing isn’t the only thing that defines it. As I’ve learned, ADD is hard to define and hard to distinguish if you’ve had it your whole life. For me it means that I hardly ever finish what I start. My mind darts around to so many ideas and topics that I find myself in a bizarre fuzzy haze of confusion pretty much all the time. I have a terrible sense of time. Everything is either urgent or saved till the very last second with nothing in between. For example, shopping compels me to act in urgency. If I see a pair of shoes I like, I want them now. However, if I have to call my insurance provider to clarify an issue, I’ll save that till the last possible moment. I also cannot stand waiting or being bored. My threshold for boredom is incredibly low. I don’t need to be moving, but I need to be doing something. On the flip side, in those boring 1 hour meetings is when I do my best creative thinking, because how can you possibly expect to retain my attention for a whole hour! Do you know how long that is!?

I despise waiting in lines. It makes my stomach hurt and it gives me a headache. Here is a sample of my inner monologue while waiting in line. “There are three people in front of me. That’s okay, I’ll just scroll through Pinterest to take my mind off of it. Ugh, but why is it taking so long. Oh my gosh, the person in front of the person in front of me is trying to return an item, and use a gift card and get a price check on some item! Oh my goodness, I’m gonna die in this line. No, it’s going to be the Hunger Games.  Oh I so desperately want to sit down. I should probably stop watching him scan every item. I wish I could fast forward through this part. Oh finally, that person left. Now one more person to go, then it’s my turn. Ugh, why is she even buying that scarf. That is such a hideous scarf. She shouldn’t be allowed to be in line if you’re gonna buy shitty stuff like that. Why is my boyfriend standing over there instead of over here? I wonder what that girl over there is talking about? Oooo! That’s a cute top. I wonder what I would look like in that top. Yes, I would look good. Too bad I’m already in line! I would so get that top. Ugh! If my mom heard me, she would be so disappointed in my excessive shopping. Do I even need some of this stuff? Yes, I live in the cold and I need a coat. Ugh. I need help. Yes! My turn! FREEDOM.”

Yes, I do think all that in a very short period of time.  I’ve learned that ADD is short for you-can’t-stop-your-f*cking-brain-from-running-a-million-miles-a-minute disorder. While it is incredibly useful when applied to creative arts, it is a disaster in schools and in the work place. In college, it was so hard to stay focused for longer than 20 minutes. After that, the quality of my notes would start to deteriorate and my mind would drift off into space. I thought of short story ideas, weird scenarios, song lyrics, ideas for music videos (oddly) and paintings and imagined myself in a cottage enjoying snowfall from inside.  Then I was in trouble when it was time for a quiz. Everyone else seemed to have caught all the information they needed from the lecture, and I had to catch up. For some reason, I was still considered intellectually gifted.

ADD is a kind of rebellion from the status quo. It is a screw you to all the people that force us to sit at a cubicle for 7 hours a day and do things we don’t really care about. It’s a screw you to the education system for drilling into kids the nonsense that you have to think or act a certain way to be considered smart or successful. If you didn’t know if you had ADD before reading this article, I hope it has been educational for you. If you already have ADD, I hope this article gave you hope knowing that you aren’t alone. 

Do you have ADD? When did you find out? What is the hardest part of it? How have you learned to cope?

Don't Assume You Know What Others Are Thinking

Anxiety has no personal boundaries. It has no conscience regulating the frequency, duration or intensity of its impact. Anxiety often behaves as though its own organ. It can hit you at any time anywhere despite how much you object to it or fail to recognize it, which can leave you feeling so very helpless. I can’t tell you how many times I ducked out of social events because I just knew my anxiety was going to misbehave. I think we want to be social (it's human nature), but we don't want to deal with our anxiety. It’s just easier not to do stuff that scares us than to fight with our anxiety to get ourselves to get dressed, then to walk or drive there, then to deal with people. I believe that the aspect about anxiety that sucks the most is thinking we know what other people are thinking.

Anxiety naturally makes your mind race with totally irrational thoughts, but not only do these thoughts invade your mind, but it tries to invade other people’s minds through yours! When we over analyze body language, tone of voice, emotional expression, and the word choices of the people who we are interacting with, we are trying to read their minds for clues into whether or not these people like us. If we say something weird, we read heavily into their reactions us and deduce that they all think that we’re insane. I am the worst with this. I go from 0 to 100 real quick. Even when I’m on the train headed to work, if I catch someone glancing at, say my shoes, for a longer period of time than I'd like, I then come to the conclusion that that person hates my shoes or my fashion sense, and that hurts me personally. If someone I wrote an email to takes a long time to respond, I assume that they think my email was straight-up stupid and is avoiding having to respond. If I post something a bit bold to Facebook, I assume that everyone will scoff at my post and I will, in turn, receive cold treatment from them. This kind of thinking is a vicious cycle, and it is VERY hard to break. I still struggle with this, but I've learned a few tips to help me get through. Hopefully, they'll be as helpful to you as they have been for me.

You Are Not Telepathic

This may seem obvious, but to people with anxiety it isn't. Despite what you think the other person is thinking, you don't actually know what that other person is thinking. There is a disconnect between people's behavior and thoughts, and most of the time they act upon thoughts or impulses they can't control. Don't assume that people are thinking bad thoughts about you, because you have no idea what's actually going on in their heads! They could be thinking about a terrible burrito they had yesterday, or that unpleasant conversation they had earlier with their mom. You really do never know.

You Can't Control People's Thoughts

Even if you were somehow telepathic and could read people's thoughts, would that really help you? Think about it. What if someone thought something negative about you for a split second, and you heard it loud and clear, it would probably make your anxiety much worse. You'll be come self-conscious about whatever flaw they thought about and you'd kill yourself trying to fix that flaw. As a result, your anxiety would spiral out of control! Sure they may think good things about you sometimes, but you're not perfect (and neither is anyone else) and eventually they will notice the things they don't like about you, and we're back to square one. You need to accept that not everyone is gong to like you and that not everything you do is going to shine favorably in the eyes of others. Remember that people are entitled to their own thoughts, and it doesn't hurt you for those people to think those thoughts. 

Rationalize Your Thoughts

Now that you know that you shouldn't try to read people's thoughts (because it's physically impossible). Try to observe your thoughts as an objective viewer and isolate the thoughts that are keeping you from engaging with others. Then use logic and reasoning to tear them apart. Remind yourself that you can't possibly know what another person is thinking. Then tell yourself that even if you did know what they were thinking, there's nothing you can realistically do about it. Then remind yourself that some people are going to have negative feelings about you and that's okay! If, for instance, some one stares at you (or your shoes) for a while at that makes you anxious. Think, 'maybe they're probably spacing out.'  

Listen (No, really listen)

There's a way to help you get out of your mind and connect with some one else on a deeper level and that is to give someone else your undivided attention. Your brain cannot multi-task. It's backed up by science. If you give your attention to someone else and make an effort to really learn about them, you can't obsess in your mind about silly little things. You will probably experience a bit more empathy for the person you're speaking to, because connecting with another person means to put yourself in their shoes. 

Know The Way You Think 

So you can't be a telepath, but good news is that you know how you think. If someone does something weird do you dwell upon it for hours and let that keep you from interacting with them? Probably not. You'd probably think "ha, that's weird." Then move on. Or you may not think anything of it at all. You'd probably write it off instantly (depending on how weird the action or comment was). So you should assume that other people are going to do the same. Don't get me wrong. None of this means that you should throw caution to the wind and do weird stuff because f*ck it. It means that you should have fewer emotional constraints inhibiting you from truly living your life.

Keep in mind that being able to read people well is a wonderful skill to have when used correctly. However, my advice is specifically for people who have inadvertantly used it to fuel their anxieties and depression.

No One Is Normal, So Embrace Your Inner Weirdo

What qualifies itself as being objectively normal, and how do scientists or psychologists quantify normality? On what basis do they determine abnormality? Well, there isn’t a single answer to this. Apparently, there is a bit of disagreement about this among the scientific community. In the 19^th century a Belgian mathematician named Adolphe Quetelet used a statistical tool to find a series of ‘types’ of people. These included heart rate, blood pressure, weight, height, etc. From these statistics he was able to create a model of the “normal” human being based on the frequency of occurrence of certain attributes. This neat little statistic, as a result isolated those who did not fit the statistical model of normality. For example, if they were overweight or had high blood pressure. While these statistics are nice, they are merely statistics. There are many subtleties to take into consideration when trying to define normality. For example, how can a person with several psychological illnesses function “normally” in social settings?

I argue that normality is a culturally specific term. The culture you live in dictates the way you define normality. If you live in a place where most people have blonde hair, blue eyes and super thin, then naturally normal means blonde hair, blue eyes, super thin. If you have brown eyes, dark black hair and are a bit curvy, you’d probably stand out as an abnormality. Unfortunately, because we have an ingrained sense of “us vs. them”, we have a natural tendency to alienate those who are different than the accepted norm. The opposite of normal is abnormal and abnormal implies defect, rarity, or wrongness. If among your peers or community, you exhibit a trait that makes you inherently different, rejoice because normality is simply a social construct to help us understand humanity. It is not a set of guidelines you should live by!

Back when I was in the hell-hole called high school, I was surrounded by girls who wanted desperately to fit in. Naturally, being the weirdo that I am, I gravitated towards the “outcasts” -the girls who weren’t obsessed with who Zack is dating, what trendy clothes they should buy from Abercrombie, or the drama between Lisa and Marissa.  We talked about stuff we cared about and even weird stuff that the other girls scoffed at (like video game theories). We didn’t care! We even felt bad for them! We were smart enough to understand that there was probably some kind of pain or longing that motivated their overwhelming drive for acceptance. We also recognized that maybe their priorities were in the wrong place or they admired the wrong kind of person. To us we were normal and they were the freaks who wanted to be popular.

In my case, the ‘popular’ girls used normality as a tool to encourage superiority and hierarchy. The more ‘normal’ someone was perceived to be by the community, the more popular they were fated to become. As long as they embodied the kind of values, ideas, and interests as the people considered normal, and ditched their own. That's horse-sh*t! No one can hold a claim on normality! There are too many people who think, live, dress and act differently from them for that kind of narrow minded thinking!

So moral of the story is to be whoever you are and make a point to be accepting of others for their differences. Find people who accept you for who and what you are, and help shape you into a better person. Of course there will always be people who will judge you for being weird, bizarre or hard to understand. That’s a good thing. Everyone wants to be unique, yet they don’t want to be seen as weird or too different. They still want to be accepted by others. F*ck it! Be yourself! Accept that not everyone is going to like you. Cultivate your unique interests, hobbies and passions to something you love, and then the attention will follow later. And be accepting of others for their differences! 

Credit: Aeon

Social Media is Depressing You. Here's What You Can Do About It

 It was a few months after my graduation and I had just quit my job. I had a horrible boss and a toxic work environment at best. There were a few people there that made it bearable, but I digress. I graduated with honors from a university in Boston, volunteered, got involved in the departmental matters and everything, but there I was sitting in my apartment without a job for three months. In between looking for jobs and updating my resume and crap, I would find myself moseying over to Facebook from time to time. I wish I hadn't, but I was addicted. It some ways it was a way to stay in tune with what's going on in the world. However, that came with a price. Constant images of success, happiness, new jobs, internships, vacations, pregnancies, and wedding engagements inundated me to no end. As a result, I sank deeper into my funk. I grew so envious of my Facebook friends that I didn't speak to any of them, like any of their statuses, or interact with them in any way, shape, or form. I was hurting myself more than they were inadvertently hurting me.

It's a psychological game that social media forces us to play. It forces images of perfection and happiness down our throats everyday to compel us to compete with others for attention and validation. Bad news is there's not much we can do about it. It's everywhere! Pinterest is entirely dedicated to making you lust after things you don't have, and don't get me started about Instagram. The reality is that we are being force fed images that evoke feelings of envy, inadequacy and inferiority. Social media, commercials, advertisements, Youtube videos, movies, etc. So what do we do about it? We may not be able to remove the imagery in question entirely from our lives, but we can learn to regulate how we react and do little things to push us towards true contentment.

Remove Yourself

While you may not be able to remove yourself entirely from social media, you can cut out the websites that are causing you the most grief. You don't need to be on Facebook everyday to know what's happening with your friends. It's perfectly acceptable to check in once a week or once every two weeks. Whatever you feel like is best for you. Remove yourself from sites or anything that causes you to feel inferior or compels you to lust after things you don't have. Keep in mind that if you have a website that constantly reminds you of everything you don't have, yet it doesn't bother you or make you feel less than, you can still use those sites. Just use them productively. They may be good idea generators for using the things you do have! 

Assess Your Attitude 

In a world of selfies and narcissism, it's easy to think you deserve attention and praise. After all, John got a bunch of attention and he doesn't even do anything important! You won't want to hear this, but you do not deserve a bunch of attention just because you want it. You don't deserve any more than John does. So check your ego and make sure that you don't allow your head to swell up with envy. On the flip side, a lot of our Facebook friends actually do post impressive accomplishments and that is probably much worst. Any update of any kind is embellished with a witty quip and a filtered photograph (throw a few hashtags in there for good measure) and posted straight to social media. What people don't realize is that while they're posting their lives on Facebook, there is a psychological burden that their audience may face. Fact is, they probably don't care and neither should you. Their success isn't your failure. Their success is their success and your success is your success. Be happy for that person and move on. If it makes you feel better, begin planning the ways you want to succeed and make goals for yourself. Or you can make a list of all the things that you accomplished recently. 

Understand What Happiness Isn't

Please understand that getting a bunch of likes on Facebook or Instagram does not constitute happiness. Sure you'll be pretty cheery about it for a while, but then you'll crave more likes and more attention once that has worn off. The cycle never ends. Focus instead on being successful in your own way as opposed to the way that will get likes. Also keep in mind that although people have big smiles and pretty faces on Facebook, that doesn't mean that is the end all be all. It's a single still photograph of a single moment. In the background a lot of darker things are probably going on in their lives. Everyone is struggling with something, but their way of coping with it may be different from yours. Maybe the way they cope with hardship is to garner attention for posting pictures of the more picturesque side of their lives. The validation may help them feel better. While some of us (me included) are happiest far far away from other people. Neither of these is more right than the other. It's just a matter of what makes you happy. 

Replace Social Media 

Now that you've purged your life of some of the more toxic social media sites, you can begin to find other things to do to fill your time. If you find yourself bored on the subway, on the bus or in line, try reading a book through the Kindle app instead. Or surf the web using Stumble Upon, an app that directs you to random websites based on your interests. Maybe listen to a podcast about old pioneers or watch a Ted Talks about something. Whatever you do, just make your not scrolling through social media for hours. 

You can find the study linking depression to excessive Facebook use to depression here

How does social media affect you? How have you learned to deal with it?

Tip For Overcoming Procrastination -You Don't

As human beings we fall prey to malevolent temptations everyday. We tell ourselves that we won't have junk food today, but screw that we had a rough day at work today and no one but the lord can keep this vehicle from pulling up to the Taco Bell drive through. We're not very good at sticking to what we say we'll do. Our thoughts and actions often diverge without us having much control over it. In fact, in a book called Blink by Michael Gladwell he studies a group of people at a speed dating event. He describes a young girl named Mary who set a list of traits she looks for in a potential partner. However, after meeting a young man she fancied that did not encompass the traits she described, he preferences had changed. Turned out that Mary didn't actually know what she wanted in a partner. Her thoughts would suggest one thing but her actions suggested another. This study shows us that we have little control over what we do or feel like doing.

Say you're in college and you have an essay due next week. You're probably thinking "Whatevs I have plenty of time!" But then you realize that you tend to procrastinate till the last possible moment, thus making a PAINFUL essay writing session at two in the morning and the quality of your essay plummets. You want to start writing your essay early so you put in your planner to being writing tomorrow evening. Guess what? Tomorrow evening arrives and you totally don't feel like writing your essay at all. You're sleepy from classes and you just realized that a new episode of the Walking Dead is airing tonight. Stuff happens and you will to do what you planned is influenced by many conscious and subconscious factors. So there's really not much you can do about it. Sometimes you'll actually do what you said you'll do and sometimes you won't. When procrastination sets in hard, you'll find it almost painful to do what you're supposed to be doing. You may even convince yourself to stop doing it mid-way!

You never really "overcome" procrastination. If you get rid of it one day, it'll be back to crash at your place the next day. Whenever I feel really lazy and don't feel like doing anything, I let myself feel lazy. I don't try to fight that feeling or make myself feel bad about feeling lazy. It's natural. However what helps me get stuff done is to prime myself. I don't go do something super fun and awesome right before I know I have to finish something lame like an essay. You can prime yourself by beginning to plan your task in your head. Imagine yourself finishing the task and try to find something fun about the task. Prime yourself by imagining that you will finish your task with ease and will have plenty of time to spare for other tasks. If you're trying to get yourself to do chores imagine how much better you will feel once the area is clean and stuff is un-cluttered. If you're trying to get yourself to plan a date to hang out with someone, imagine that you are having a wonderful time with that person and gaining a valuable connection.

Priming is actually backed by science! In a study conducted by two Dutch scientists mentioned in Blink by Gladwell, they had groups of students answering 40 difficult questions from the game Trivial Pursuit. Half of the group was asked to think about and write down what they think it means to be a professor. The other half was asked to think about and write down soccer hooligans. The first half of the group answered 55.6 percent of the questions correctly. The second half answered 42.6 percent correctly. The difference between those two numbers is enormous and a testament to the power of priming. Because the first group of students put themselves in a professorial frame of mind, they were able to channel their inner scholar, thus making these trivia questions a bit easier to answer. They were able to imagine themselves as professors.

If you don't take away anything else from this post, take away the point of simply priming yourself to do the work. When I say priming I don't mean psyche yourself up. Just imagine yourself accomplishing the task and then imagine some good thing that will result from the accomplished task. And don't beat yourself up if you slip up from time to time! It happens!

How do you cope with procrastination? What's your philosophy?

Music that Calms My Anxiety

Every once in a while, I find myself sword and shield in hand fighting my hardest to keep the pain of anxiety at bay. Like in physical wars, there is no winner in a war against anxiety and fear. In reality, it's just me looking for a place of refuge to escape the inner turmoil that engulfs me from time to time.
I read self-help guides to try to break the cycle, however many guides made me feel as though my anxiety is abnormal and freakishly unacceptable in normal society. I began to try to swallow my anxiety or find ways to get rid of it. Took several months and mini panic attacks for me to realize that anxiety doesn't go away. You can't make your anxiety vanish into thin air because you want it to, but you can manage it and pull yourself into a place of deep calm whenever you feel anxious. I have learned that music is an amazing way to manage and calm anxiety. So create a "calm playlist". Culminate a list of songs that tough your soul, move your spirit and captivate your imagination. It may sound counterproductive but listen to music that allows your imagination to fly to wherever you wish. For example, when I listen to music on my calm playlist my mind is instantly teleported from forests to mountains to villages in Eastern Europe that I've never been to in my life. Then when you stop listening to the music and have to return to the real world, the images will remain with you and you can remind yourself of those images as much as you like. That is the power of music and imagination.
If you're curious, here is my "Calm Playlist"! Hopefully it will give you some ideas for what to add to your own playlist.

1. Joanna Newsom - 81 

2. The Paper Kites - Featherstone

3. The Bombay Bicycle Club - You Already Know 

4. Joanna Newsom - The Sprout and the Bean 

5. Bon Iver - Holocene 

6. Erik Satie - Gymnopédie No.1 

7. Rachel Sermanni - Waltz

8. Lucy Rose - Shiver 

9. Lucy Rose - Scar

10. Patrick Watson - Big Bird in a Small Cage

11. Little Tybee - For Distant Viewing 

12. The Weather Station - Everything I Saw

13. Scott Orr - A Long Life

14. M. Ward - The Last Time I Ran Away 

15. Sufjan Stevens - Holland 

16. Eli et Papillon - Coffre Fort

What song suggestions do you have for calming anxiety? What's on your playlist?

This Extraordinary Letter Will Help You Find Your Calling

In April of 1958, Hunter S. Thompson was 22 years old when he wrote a letter on the meaning and purpose of life when asked by his friend, Hume Logan, for advice. In just a few paragraphs, Thompson’s letter offers deeply thoughtful ideas, and what makes it all the more profound is the fact that at the time the world had no idea that he was about to become one of the greatest writers of the 20th century.

This letter is particularly extraordinary because the timelessness of its applicability. These words still ring true in the ears of youth and adults alike and its message is still considered among the wisest ever written. 

April 22, 1958
57 Perry Street
New York City

Dear Hume,

You ask advice: ah, what a very human and very dangerous thing to do! For to give advice to a man who asks what to do with his life implies something very close to egomania. To presume to point a man to the right and ultimate goal — to point with a trembling finger in the RIGHT direction is something only a fool would take upon himself.

I am not a fool, but I respect your sincerity in asking my advice. I ask you though, in listening to what I say, to remember that all advice can only be a product of the man who gives it. What is truth to one may be disaster to another. I do not see life through your eyes, nor you through mine. If I were to attempt to give you specific advice, it would be too much like the blind leading the blind.

“To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles … ” (Shakespeare)

And indeed, that IS the question: whether to float with the tide, or to swim for a goal. It is a choice we must all make consciously or unconsciously at one time in our lives. So few people understand this! Think of any decision you’ve ever made which had a bearing on your future: I may be wrong, but I don’t see how it could have been anything but a choice however indirect — between the two things I’ve mentioned: the floating or the swimming.

But why not float if you have no goal? That is another question. It is unquestionably better to enjoy the floating than to swim in uncertainty. So how does a man find a goal? Not a castle in the stars, but a real and tangible thing. How can a man be sure he’s not after the “big rock candy mountain,” the enticing sugar-candy goal that has little taste and no substance?

The answer — and, in a sense, the tragedy of life — is that we seek to understand the goal and not the man. We set up a goal which demands of us certain things: and we do these things. We adjust to the demands of a concept which CANNOT be valid. When you were young, let us say that you wanted to be a fireman. I feel reasonably safe in saying that you no longer want to be a fireman. Why? Because your perspective has changed. It’s not the fireman who has changed, but you. Every man is the sum total of his reactions to experience. As your experiences differ and multiply, you become a different man, and hence your perspective changes. This goes on and on. Every reaction is a learning process; every significant experience alters your perspective.

So it would seem foolish, would it not, to adjust our lives to the demands of a goal we see from a different angle every day? How could we ever hope to accomplish anything other than galloping neurosis?

The answer, then, must not deal with goals at all, or not with tangible goals, anyway. It would take reams of paper to develop this subject to fulfillment. God only knows how many books have been written on “the meaning of man” and that sort of thing, and god only knows how many people have pondered the subject. (I use the term “god only knows” purely as an expression.) There’s very little sense in my trying to give it up to you in the proverbial nutshell, because I’m the first to admit my absolute lack of qualifications for reducing the meaning of life to one or two paragraphs.

I’m going to steer clear of the word “existentialism,” but you might keep it in mind as a key of sorts. You might also try something called “Being and Nothingness” by Jean-Paul Sartre, and another little thing called “Existentialism: From Dostoyevsky to Sartre.” These are merely suggestions. If you’re genuinely satisfied with what you are and what you’re doing, then give those books a wide berth. (Let sleeping dogs lie.) But back to the answer. As I said, to put our faith in tangible goals would seem to be, at best, unwise. So we do not strive to be firemen, we do not strive to be bankers, nor policemen, nor doctors.WE STRIVE TO BE OURSELVES.

But don’t misunderstand me. I don’t mean that we can’t BE firemen, bankers, or doctors — but that we must make the goal conform to the individual, rather than make the individual conform to the goal. In every man, heredity and environment have combined to produce a creature of certain abilities and desires — including a deeply ingrained need to function in such a way that his life will be MEANINGFUL. A man has to BE something; he has to matter.

As I see it then, the formula runs something like this: a man must choose a path which will let his ABILITIES function at maximum efficiency toward the gratification of his DESIRES. In doing this, he is fulfilling a need (giving himself identity by functioning in a set pattern toward a set goal), he avoids frustrating his potential (choosing a path which puts no limit on his self-development), and he avoids the terror of seeing his goal wilt or lose its charm as he draws closer to it (rather than bending himself to meet the demands of that which he seeks, he has bent his goal to conform to his own abilities and desires).

In short, he has not dedicated his life to reaching a pre-defined goal, but he has rather chosen a way of life he KNOWS he will enjoy. The goal is absolutely secondary: it is the functioning toward the goal which is important. And it seems almost ridiculous to say that a man MUST function in a pattern of his own choosing; for to let another man define your own goals is to give up one of the most meaningful aspects of life — the definitive act of will which makes a man an individual.

Let’s assume that you think you have a choice of eight paths to follow (all pre-defined paths, of course). And let’s assume that you can’t see any real purpose in any of the eight. THEN — and here is the essence of all I’ve said — you MUST FIND A NINTH PATH.

Naturally, it isn’t as easy as it sounds. You’ve lived a relatively narrow life, a vertical rather than a horizontal existence. So it isn’t any too difficult to understand why you seem to feel the way you do. But a man who procrastinates in his CHOOSING will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.

So if you now number yourself among the disenchanted, then you have no choice but to accept things as they are, or to seriously seek something else. But beware of looking for goals: look for a way of life. Decide how you want to live and then see what you can do to make a living WITHIN that way of life. But you say, “I don’t know where to look; I don’t know what to look for.”

And there’s the crux. Is it worth giving up what I have to look for something better? I don’t know — is it? Who can make that decision but you? But even by DECIDING TO LOOK, you go a long way toward making the choice.

If I don’t call this to a halt, I’m going to find myself writing a book. I hope it’s not as confusing as it looks at first glance. Keep in mind, of course, that this is MY WAY of looking at things. I happen to think that it’s pretty generally applicable, but you may not. Each of us has to create our own credo — this merely happens to be mine.

If any part of it doesn’t seem to make sense, by all means call it to my attention. I’m not trying to send you out “on the road” in search of Valhalla, but merely pointing out that it is not necessary to accept the choices handed down to you by life as you know it. There is more to it than that — no one HAS to do something he doesn’t want to do for the rest of his life. But then again, if that’s what you wind up doing, by all means convince yourself that you HAD to do it. You’ll have lots of company.

And that’s it for now. Until I hear from you again, I remain,

Your friend,
Hunter

Want To Accomplish Stuff? Stop Making New Year’s Resolutions

It’s officially 2017. Yay… Every New Year, we motivate ourselves to make huge changes in our lives, so we make resolutions. Why? Because it’s a tradition and if you don’t make them you may run the risk of appearing lazy or apathetic. However, every year you make resolutions and every year you manage to accomplish none of them (or very few). What’s up with that?

According to Psychology professor Peter Herman, when we create New Year’s resolutions we adopt something called the “false hope syndrome”, or the condition where we falsely hope to accomplish unrealistic goals. These goals are impractical and fall out of synch with who we really are. Failure to fulfil resolutions could be because we set our expectations too high, and then when it comes time to actually do something, we don’t know where to start or are afraid to take the first steps. It could also be attributed to the fact that some of us tend have a harder time accomplishing something once we’ve made it a task. For example, you’ve decided that you want to lose weight, so you say that your resolution is to lose 20 pounds. That’s actually a lot harder than it sounds and is no longer something exciting that you really want to do-it’s just another task for the checklist and can be easily neglected when other things in your life take priority. The solution is to treat goals like a hobby.

Instead of making New Year’s resolutions here’s my challenge for you. Make goals into hobbies. Why do we have hobbies? Because people like to do things they enjoy. You probably won’t enjoy losing 20 pounds (let’s just be real) but ask yourself this, what about losing 20 pounds excites you? What part of that process do you really want to do or already love doing? For example, do you like to cook and are excited about making certain recipes, are you a dancer and want to join a dance group, do you like to go hiking, running, or just want to join meetup group of people who are also trying to lose weight. Make your goals something that you actually want to do. Keep in the back of your mind that the end goal is to lose weight, but enjoy the journey and celebrate every victory. Celebrate after you lose 5 pounds, 10 pounds etc. After all, having goals is supposed to be fun!

Stop making resolutions that are ridiculously hard to accomplish like quitting smoking, getting more organized or getting into grad school. These are intimidating goals and take a careful amount of planning to accomplish. Most of us simply won’t do it. Know yourself and how you tick. Are you the kind of person that is very goal oriented and accomplishes what they set out to do, or are you the type of person that needs a (a lot) of motivating. If you’re the later type then using fun goals as motivation will serve you well. Don’t crush yourself with expectations then feel bad about it when you aren’t successful. Have some sympathy for your future self and ease up a bit, you’ll thank me later.  

Philosophical Mediation For Anxiety

In my precious post entitled F*ck Feelings: Practical Ways to Manage Anxiety, I mentioned briefly a term called Philosophical Meditation. While I explained briefly what the term meant, I’d like to elaborate on exactly how effective this kind of meditation truly is.

According to the School of Life, which has become my new favorite Youtube Channel, Philosophical Meditation is inspired by Western philosophical methods of coping with anxiety. What we consider to be traditional meditation is an Eastern philosophical practice that emphasizes the removal of oneself from what is causing you distress. It advocates that you remove yourself physically to a quiet and undisturbed location and allow yourself to take on an objective view of what you feel. This is particularly effective if you are in dire need of focus and calm, however the key to Eastern meditation is that you must physically remove yourself from everything. What if there was a way to meditate without removing yourself, closing your eyes, or focusing intensely for several minutes? You’re not gonna believe this, but there is.

Philosophical Meditation is the act of identifying your thoughts and feelings and rationalizing exactly what you fear. Let me tell you, it works wonders. For example, imagine that tomorrow is your first day at a new job. You’re very very anxious and your mind is spinning with what ifs and its driving you mad. Here’s how you use Philosophical Meditation to regulate your anxiety.

1. Identify Exactly What it Is You’re Afraid Of

Do not try to understand why you’re feeling afraid, try to get a grasp of exactly what is causing you to feel afraid. Are you afraid that you’ll get to work late, make a bad impression, make stupid mistakes, or end up hating the job? Identify exactly what is causing you grief and write them out on a notepad.

2. Begin to Rationalize Your Fears and Make a Plan

Here is where you tackle your fears head on. Show no mercy. Take a second to write out exactly why these fears are overblown or irrational then make a plan of action. If you’re worried about being late, write down your plan to avoid being late plan your route carefully and set your alarm to wake you up a little earlier. Ask yourself, “What if I’m late anyways? What happens then?” Then you can begin to rationalize your thoughts by saying something along the lines of, “Well, I have a contact that I can email/call if something goes awry, and people probably understand that I don’t really understand the best routes to get there yet. It’s only the first day, they expect you to mess up.”

The key to Philosophical Meditation is to force that grey area of unaddressed improbabilities into the spotlight, and to break them down using rationality and logic. I can’t tell you how many times this has helped me cope with my ridiculously severe anxiety. I find that my fears do not stand up to much scrutiny when in the lime light. It simply doesn’t take much for our insecurities to fall apart. In part, this may be because our emotions protect these fears to a great extent. Your emotions act as a kind of barrier to deter you from delving into what you fear simply because you fear them. If you deny your feelings influence over you for a moment and just get to the core of what you are afraid of, you will begin to see some real improvements. If you find yourself growing anxious again, return to your notepad and read what you fear and your rationalizations of your fears. I doesn’t matter how many times you have to remind yourself, just do what it takes to manage your anxiety.


You can watch the School of Life video about Philosophical Mediation here.

Nothing Is Original: The True Key to Creativity

I am a very creative person. My imaginings, daydreams and visions are often so vivid that I feel an incessant pull to express and share what I’m experiencing. If I’m not able to express them in a form I enjoy, I tend to become emotionally imbalanced. Therefore, it’s imperative that take advantage of the many outlets I have to express my creativity. I mentioned in a previous post how you can get creative. I utilize many, if not all of these outlets on a daily basis. I sing using an app called Sing!, I write music, I play piano, I design outfits on Polyvore, I write blogposts and short stories, I study languages, and create playlists on Youtube. Strangely enough, I need every one of these outlets. Without them, I feel like I’ve lost something dear to me. That’s exactly what this new book I read explains. In Austin Kleon’s book Steal Like An Artist, he elaborates on exactly what it takes to create awesome things, but it’s not what you may think.

Artists are frequently told to think outside the box, be creative or seek originality. These are not entirely incorrect but they neglect a key point- nothing is original. Kleon says that great artists understand that nothing comes from nowhere. All creative work just builds upon something that came before it. In other words, great artists simply steal material they like from previous artists and emulate them into their own personal style. For example, if I’m a songwriter looking for creative ways to write new music, I should find other artists I love and study them. What is their inspiration, what is their songwriting style, who influenced their sound? With this information, I can begin to create my own sound. You should definitely give this book a read, but in the meantime, here are the main take aways!

Find Something Worth Stealing

Search for things that touch your heart and soul and make a note to use those for inspiration. Collect anything that kicks your imagination into gear, makes you feel good or makes you think. It can be anything from movies, novels, poems, photography, fashion, etc.

Find Heroes

Is there a particular artist who you already have in mind as your inspiration? Perfect. However, it is better to have a conglomerate of inspiration than just a single artist. After all, you don’t want to just take from a single artist. Create a tree of heroes. Find out who your hero gets their inspiration from. Then research where they got their inspiration from. What other artists are similar to your heroes? Where did they get their inspiration? It’s good to deeply understand where you are getting your inspiration, because you don’t just want to imitate others, you want to see what they see and understand the thinking behind their art. That will help you to create your own.

Emulate Your Heroes

So at some point in the creative process you’ll need to create your own personal style. Use what you know about your heroes and create something that is uniquely your own. Ask yourself “Is there something the artist missed? What should they make?” Then make that. Take the inspiration from your heroes and make what you would want to see or hear yourself. What is the kind of music you LOVE hearing? Take that and apply that to your inspiration.

Get Bored

Creativity pairs well with boredom. You may notice that when you’re bored you come up with some interesting ideas, so let yourself be bored. Wash dishes, take a walk, iron clothes, organize your closet, and stare out the window. Just let your mind wander and write down all those interesting ideas you encounter. Creative people aren’t always leading excitingly cinematic lives. We have day jobs, pets and families just like everyone else. The only difference is that creative people fill every moment they aren’t working with something creative.

Create Constraints

I know this sounds counter-productive, but creativity also works best with constraints. There is nothing more paralyzing than having an infinite amount of options. If you have fewer options, your creativity can really get to work! So set some boundaries before you start working. Pick a theme, topic, or some constraint that will help focus your work so that you’re not paralyzed by the possibilities.

Don’t Seek Validation

Some people create amazing things but almost never share them because they’re afraid of what people will think of them. As Keon puts it “Validation is for parking”. Your job is create what you love and share it with others. You can’t control who is going to like it and who isn’t, just embrace those who appreciate your work as they come, but don’t rely on their compliments. You’re doing this for you.  

Hope this helps! What has helped to spur your creativity? What do you do to get the creative juices flowing?

Three Signs You May Be A Maladaptive Daydreamer

     If you’re familiar with Maladaptive Daydreaming (or MD) this article will be very relatable. Otherwise, this will sound absolutely insane. However, bear with me. It’s very hard for a person with a Maladaptive Daydreaming disorder to explain it to others. Other people cannot begin to comprehend the complexities and intricacies of our imaginations. However, I will attempt to explain what Maladaptive Daydreaming is and how you know you might have it. Firstly, MD is not a diagnosable illness. Most health care professionals haven’t got a clue what it means. It’s a new phenomenon for both those experiencing it and those who are trying to treat it, but it’s becoming a more prevalent issue. At the moment it is considered a sub-set of anxiety or depression, and while that is mostly true, I believe that it deserves to be in a category of its own. We’ll define MD as an uncontrollable urge to produce very intricate daydreams or fantasies at often unpredictable times.  It goes waayyy beyond your average daydreaming capabilities because it is much more vivid and real to those fabricating the daydreams. These daydreams have deep plots, characters, scenarios and emotions that interact with each other in incredibly unique ways. It’s much more in depth than, say, having a movie theater in your head. It’s more like having a virtual reality headset on all time. In terms of content, our daydreams could consist of anything under the sun. They don’t have to be about ourselves and they are sometimes not conceived intentionally at all. It just sort of happens! MD is definitely considered a blessing and a curse, but how do you know if you have it?

Your Fantasies are Vivid and Complex

When I say vivid, I mean vivid. I’m not just talking about daydreaming about someone you have a crush on. I mean you imagine whole other worlds. If I were to tell you picture yourself in a different landscape, you will be able to imagine some fictitious scenery without even having to close your eyes or think for more than a short period of time. Or if I were to ask you where you’re mind wanders off to the most lately, you’ll be able to paint me a picture of a new world. Whenever you think about the world you’ve created, it conjures up powerful emotions. The real world is just a platform to extrapolate ideas for your daydreams.

You Find Yourself Daydreaming All the Time

 Not just when you’re bored, but whenever your brain can spare a moment you’re drifting off into another dimension. It may often be at inopportune times like when you’re supposed to be listening to instructions, waiting for your zone to get called so you don’t miss your flight, etc. The key issue you face as an MD is that you probably schedule time, or set time aside exclusively for daydreaming! You may prefer to do that instead of planning to go out or hang out with friends as a result.

You Feel Out of Control

If you’re like me, you feel like you have very little control over when you daydream heavily. You often can’t control when you’ll tumble into your fantasies and once you’re in, it’s hard to get out. Why? Because you love being there! Because of this, you may feel helplessness or lack of control. That feeling may be exacerbated because your daydreaming could bleed into other areas of your life and affect your ability to achieve your goals. It can feel like a losing battle, but don’t lose hope. There’s a way to cope.

So you have MD. Now what? Please know that you’re not alone. Having MD can be so incredibly fascinating, but most of the time it can be destructive. However, it doesn’t have to be a curse. Your mind is incredibly unique and the worlds you imagine are as well. You need to learn to channel these imaginings into something productive so that it’s easier to manage. I daydream OFTEN about stories and plots, so I like to write them down and create tons of short stories. I also fantasize about music (I imagine a melodies as they’re associated with scenery), so I write song lyrics and melodies that are similar to the ones I’ve imagined. For some reason, my daydreams are also very very specific about the clothing people wear. I so design clothing and outfits online. If you often see beautiful landscapes, try to draw them or find some way to describe what you’re seeing. You must learn to express your creative genius, because it truly is genius. You never know what beautiful art, music, stories, gifts, designs, etc.  you can make until you try! Who knows where your talents may lead! How have you learned to cope with MD? How has it affected you?

F*ck Feelings: Practical Ways to Manage Anxiety

Whenever I would share a certain aspect of my life that I struggle with, people would gasp in disbelief. “I would never have guessed!!” The surprise on their face looks in no way fabricated to hide the fact that they knew all along and was trying to be polite. No, they are always genuinely surprised and bewildered that a person so put-together as me can struggle so much with anxiety. The truth is everyone deals with anxiety to some extent, but a few of us struggle on a severe degree (like me). However, I’m here to reassure you that even the most severe anxiety can be managed!

I’ve had general anxiety since I was 12 years old. Suddenly, the things I found common place evoked feelings of dread and pain. My body grew paralyzed and in shock without warning, and I couldn't shake that painful, searing feeling of panic and dread. It’s similar to the sensation you would get if someone was holding a gun to, not your head, but to the head of someone you love. I’ve always been on the outside looking in when it came to controlling my emotions, as if my brain was on auto pilot. I dealt with the pain all throughout college until last month I picked a book called F*ck Feelings. Before I begin to list coping mechanisms I learned from this awesome book, I’m going to give a brief overview of what’s going on in your brain when you have anxiety. 

Anxiety is the normal reaction to when you brain perceives some situation, object or person to be some how threatening. However, for people who suffer with excessive anxiety our brain creates a life threatening situation from a situation that isn’t at all life threatening. I find that before I even step into the made up “life threatening” situation, my brain is already preparing my body to fight or flight! That’s when your anxiety spirals. Before any situation occurs, your body is preparing to defend itself. Thoughts may fly through your mind about all the reasons you may want to opt for the “flight” option, but then you may feel guilty about doing that. So you consider the “fight” option, but it’s so painful, so you’re back to square one. Though this sounds troubling, all is not lost! Over the years I’ve learned how to cope with my anxiety and I’m excited to share them.  

Philosophical Meditation 

      According to the School of Life, Philosophical Mediation is the act of thinking through the things you are anxious about. Are you afraid of missing your flight? Think about if  you actually did miss your flight?  What would your plan be? Would it be the end of the world? Probably not. This western style of meditation focuses on creating solutions to the problems you've created in your mind. 

Listen to Loud Music 

      Don't blow your eardrums out, but listening to music at louder volumes has been proven in a few studies to relax you. Try turning up your tunes and tuning out the world.

    Manage Your Emotions

Go ahead and accept the fact that you cannot control your anxiety. You can't command it to stop when you get frustrated and you can't tell it to roll over or play dead. Anxiety doesn't work that way. Instead of fighting so hard to stop your anxiety, learn to regulate it. Learn little ways that you can manage your anxiety when you feel it coming on strong. I like to rationalize what I'm being anxious about. Force your fears into the lime light and call into question whether it's actually work freaking out over. Once I've zeroed in on what I'm actually afraid of, I quickly learn that it isn't rational at all. From there, I counsel myself using logic and rational. "Okay, I'm afraid of X, but in reality..." "If X does happen, then Y is the plan for getting past it." Don't try to fight away how you feel. Instead, take a second to confront your feelings. Bad things WILL happen, but think about your plan when they do. It's a fruitless task to be constantly in fear of bad things. 

Don’t Beat Yourself Up 

I've been reading an excellent book called F*ck Feelings by Sarah and Michael Bennett. The book provides practical, brutally honest advice on how to deal with your anxiety. One key piece of advice the book provides is don’t be upset with yourself if you get too anxious to do something, just accept what you can’t control and manage what you can. If you allow your anxiety to get the better of you and it causes you to behave in a way contrary to the way you prefer, don't become guilty or usept with yourself. Forgive yourself and make a note to be more careful next time. Self-destruction is a wicked cycle. You do something wrong, then you beat yourself up, then you become more anxious/depressed, then you do something wrong again. The cycle continues. End the cycle and make a point to give yourself a break.

Understand Your Anxiety but Don’t Try to Find Its Origins or Roots 

jj    As F*ck Your Feelings so eloquently states, do NOT try to go rooting around in your childhood, subconscious or heart and soul to figure out where you anxiety is coming from. It's a pointless way to avoid dealing with the problem. However you got it doesn't matter so much, all that matter is that you have anxiety right now and need to deal with it. Instead, try to figure out what it is your afraid of and how you can deal with it. 

I have pretty severe anxiety according to my doctors and these tips have been so incredibly life changing! I know they can be for you too. Just remember not to take life too seriously. Have fun and reward yourself when you rationalize your fears or manage your anxiety in scary situations.